deja vu.

what happened in secondary school has come back once again to haunt me. i can still vividly picture the scene exactly that fateful day, where we were waiting for posting of results of the posting selections and which roles we would get. i was aiming for squad nco and all i got was a measly logistics.
enough of the crap that logistics are important too and what not.. i've had enough of that for the past few years..

anyway i went for week 0 interview today. my interviewers were shu hui and michael. i went through the standard procedure or so i thought.. i made the remark that " i dont want to do log ". simple and easy to understand. but it was interpreted in a totally different manner. after a decidedly simple interview, i left and headed downstairs to wait for glenn, who was inside the room with others. so i waited with xunxiang downstairs at concourse.

then i received the fateful sms. yep, just a simple sms.
a message that altered my mood for the rest of the day.
"hi jason, we heard abt you not wanting to be log. if you happen not to get ol, will you still stay in week 0?"

whats the perceived meaning of this message?
to me, its a resounding scream of an ideal with nothing of being and OL anywhere inside. and i got really realy freaking emo after that.
i ain't have any idea why. coz it was like i knew i had to expect it but there was this small part inside of me that just caused my entire system to crash. it was like an 180 degree change. one moment i was crazy and high, and the next moment i was emo and stoning in a corner.
and i had to be "counselled" by louis glenn and xx. i just crashed the moment. after more explaining it was even worse. evn now as i type this i feel very emo cause i know that i'll never get to be an OL even if i wanted to. thrice, being the nice guy never helped.

i know i couldnt just drop my campfire and leave everything to the others. that would be too irresponsible for me, and i would not be able to face my conscience if i did that.
but still it came as a crushing blow, the time i sacrificed, the stuff i did, the people i pangsehed, the so many other things that i could have done..
FOC...
iGuides...
AC...
outings with my squadmates and friends..
the list just goes on and on and on

its this little thing called hope that really screws ur life up. i sacrificed so much just for that tiny piece. sad but true. its just that the result of this chain of events are the ones that i did NOT wish for..
the selection for week 0 project..
the selection to do campfire...
the choice to be an OL..

i guessed it was never within my reach to be one.
period.

tmr's my maths lecture quiz, and i know i am so gonna flunk it or something will crop up and ruin my thought, rendering my quiz marks obselete.
either that or i am going to just oversleep. further more i gonna stay and do my IDGD project. which is creating a game.

so enough of everything, its slowly killing me.
killing me even faster, when i hold on to the very thing that would eventually give way,
Hope.

Labels: emo, week 0

And I realized...
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